There are so many things I didn't expect while going through a divorce. How could I have expected them; I never expected to divorce. I never planned to divorce so therefor I did not study up on all the different aspects of the divorce process found in a multitude of self help books. I had no idea when I heard others say their marriage died it meant they went through the grieving process. Then my marriage died and I found myself in deep grief.
I've always heard there were five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I can honestly say I have been through every single stage. Sometimes I've gone through all of them in one day. Sometimes I got them out of order. There were times when I felt I would never feel "normal" again. Just when I did start to feel like I could have a normal day BAM! A memory would come crashing in dragging with it grief. At times I felt I had climbed aboard an emotional roller coaster and was going through the loops of grief and just holding on tight until the ride stopped. Let me expound on what that might look like for me.
Denial: When my exhusband-to-be chose to follow other interests and I discovered this choice I still thought there might be a chance of pulling out the dagger in our marriage and putting a bandaide on it and moving on together. I believed we needed time apart to decide what we wanted in life. At the time I was hurt and angry and the thought of going to counseling did not seem like an option. Part of that was due to my own insecurities. During our marriage I helped put my husband through college and helped him advance his career while I didn't do either for myself. This always left me feeling a bit intimidated in settings where other professionals were involved. I can remember times when my husband would go to a doctors appointment with me and the doctor would speak to him but not me. As silly as it may sound I felt if I went to counseling with him the exact same thing would happen. I would be overlooked and he would somehow come across as the perfect husband who just didn't have an adequate enough wife. Instead of going to counseling I strongly believed as two Christians we should be able to talk to each other and work on our marriage together. I mean we both saw the Fire Proof movie. If they could restore their marriage I thought we should be able to do the same. I was wrong. While I kept believing this might happen he continued to pursue his other interests. The day came when I invited him over to our house to talk. As he sat across our kitchen table from me, the table we shared many family meals together and laughed together, I asked him what he wanted to do about our marriage. What I had hoped and prayed for was for him to say he would fight until the end to restore our marriage and mend the broken parts. I thought he would become my knight in shining armor and ride in saving the day. I prayed he would tell me he had made a mistake and loved me so much he couldn't imagine life without me.
Instead, he looked at me like I must have been the dumbest person on earth and asked if I really believed we could fix our marriage. Then he said three words I'll never forget. Not "I love you" but "Life's too short." He wanted to move on without me. My knight fell off his horse, got up from the table and walked out the door.
Emotions rolled through me like a building thunderstorm.
Matthew 14:25-27 says the following:
25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
The disciples had been in the boat all night. A place they obviously felt comfortable with. In their little boat they were oblivious to their surroundings. They started to take notice when they saw something that didn't seem quite right.
Now, Jesus was a close friend of theirs. They had just spent a great deal of time with him. They knew what he looked like and probably even knew his mannerisms. Yet when they saw him walking toward them on the water they freaked completely out and thought he was a ghost and were afraid! They were in complete denial of what they were seeing.
At this point Jesus immediately comforted them in two ways. First he told them to "Take courage." Second, he told them, "Don't be afraid."
For several years I was in the security of my own boat and I was oblivious to what was going on in my marriage. I was in denial there were serious problems. I ignored signs of dangerous waters ahead. One day I looked over the edge of my boat and I had drifted far from the shores of a happy marriage. I saw my Lord and Savior on the waters. Could it really be him? Could he really be there for me? I was broken and hurting and heading toward divorce, a place I know God never intended for me to go. I was afraid but my eyes were locked on him. Like a thundering whisper to my heart I heard him say, "Take courage. It is I. Don't be afraid."
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