Riding the Emotional Roller Coaster in the Dead Marriage Theme Park Part 1-Denial

There are so many things I didn't expect while going through a divorce. How could I have expected them; I never expected to divorce. I never planned to divorce so therefor I did not study up on all the different aspects of the divorce process found in a multitude of self help books. I had no idea when I heard others say their marriage died it meant they went through the grieving process. Then my marriage died and I found myself in deep grief.
I've always heard there were five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I can honestly say I have been through every single stage. Sometimes I've gone through all of them in one day. Sometimes I got them out of order. There were times when I felt I would never feel "normal" again. Just when I did start to feel like I could have a normal day BAM! A memory would come crashing in dragging with it grief. At times I felt I had climbed aboard an emotional roller coaster and was going through the loops of grief and just holding on tight until the ride stopped. Let me expound on what that might look like for me.

Denial: When my exhusband-to-be chose to follow other interests and I discovered this choice I still thought there might be a chance of pulling out the dagger in our marriage and putting a bandaide on it and moving on together. I believed we needed time apart to decide what we wanted in life. At the time I was hurt and angry and the thought of going to counseling did not seem like an option. Part of that was due to my own insecurities. During our marriage I helped put my husband through college and helped him advance his career while I didn't do either for myself. This always left me feeling a bit intimidated in settings where other professionals were involved. I can remember times when my husband would go to a doctors appointment with me and the doctor would speak to him but not me. As silly as it may sound I felt if I went to counseling with him the exact same thing would happen. I would be overlooked and he would somehow come across as the perfect husband who just didn't have an adequate enough wife. Instead of going to counseling I strongly believed as two Christians we should be able to talk to each other and work on our marriage together. I mean we both saw the Fire Proof movie. If they could restore their marriage I thought we should be able to do the same. I was wrong. While I kept believing this might happen he continued to pursue his other interests. The day came when I invited him over to our house to talk. As he sat across our kitchen table from me, the table we shared many family meals together and laughed together, I asked him what he wanted to do about our marriage. What I had hoped and prayed for was for him to say he would fight until the end to restore our marriage and mend the broken parts. I thought he would become my knight in shining armor and ride in saving the day. I prayed he would tell me he had made a mistake and loved me so much he couldn't imagine life without me.
Instead, he looked at me like I must have been the dumbest person on earth and asked if I really believed we could fix our marriage. Then he said three words I'll never forget. Not "I love you" but "Life's too short." He wanted to move on without me. My knight fell off his horse, got up from the table and walked out the door.
Emotions rolled through me like a building thunderstorm.
Matthew 14:25-27 says the following:
25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
The disciples had been in the boat all night. A place they obviously felt comfortable with. In their little boat they were oblivious to their surroundings. They started to take notice when they saw something that didn't seem quite right.
Now, Jesus was a close friend of theirs. They had just spent a great deal of time with him. They knew what he looked like and probably even knew his mannerisms. Yet when they saw him walking toward them on the water they freaked completely out and thought he was a ghost and were afraid! They were in complete denial of what they were seeing.
At this point Jesus immediately comforted them in two ways. First he told them to "Take courage." Second, he told them, "Don't be afraid."
For several years I was in the security of my own boat and I was oblivious to what was going on in my marriage. I was in denial there were serious problems. I ignored signs of dangerous waters ahead. One day I looked over the edge of my boat and I had drifted far from the shores of a happy marriage. I saw my Lord and Savior on the waters. Could it really be him? Could he really be there for me? I was broken and hurting and heading toward divorce, a place I know God never intended for me to go. I was afraid but my eyes were locked on him. Like a thundering whisper to my heart I heard him say, "Take courage. It is I. Don't be afraid."

Going Through the Big D and don't mean Dallas.

Oh my! It's been awhile since I've posted on here. Well, to be honest I completely forgot about it. I've had a lot going on. What a lame excuse that sounds like. Everyone says writing is good therapy. Boy do I wish I would have taken that advice! But here I am now and hold on to your horses because I have a lot of catching up to do! On June 6, 1987 I was a twenty year old young woman wearing what I thought was the most beautiful dress of my life. I was surrounded by waves of white ruffles and a shear veil covered my face. My father stood straight and tall in his military stance with me on his arm. The music started and down the isle I floated. In no time at all I was handed over to the man who promised to love, cherish and protect me until death do us part. Fast forward to September 9,2013. Death took place but it wasn't the bride or the groom. It was the marriage. I never understood divorce. It was not something I ever thought would happen to me. When other people went through it I felt so awful for them but felt smug within my own marriage. I devoted my entire adult life to serving and loving my husband and three children. I spent my days cooking meals, planning play dates, driving to dentists and doctor appointments, doing laundry, helping with homework, etc. It's what I did and who I was. It was my identity. If someone asked me what I did I proudly answered I was a wife and mother. My marriage died a horrible death. Control came in and tried to take over everything. It brought its friend jealousy who started choking the breath out of the marriage. Jealousy invited distrust and anger to the party and major damage started taking place. Instead of guarding the marriage and fighting for its life we just fought. A major blow took place. One I couldn't seem to recover from right away. We separated and ripped the heart of our marriage apart. Instant death. The emotions that occur are more intense then I could ever have imagined. It truly is a grieving process. In the middle of this horrible grieving process I seem to be almost drowning in, something wonderful is happening. My Heavenly Father is reassuring me of His love. I'm finding my true identity. I'm discovering what true love really is. Matthew Chapter 14 tells of a time when Jesus was preaching to a crowd. As he was finishing he put his disciples in a boat to go ahead of him while he dismissed the crowd of listeners. Jesus then went up on a mountain top to pray. As the night went on he was alone on the mountain. Wind had carried the boat full of disciples further out. Wind had carried them away from Jesus into the dark night. The wind caused waves to rock the boat all night. Imagine now, right before dawn, the morning skies just starting to lighten up a bit. The disciples wake up and are still a bit groggy from sleep. They glance toward the mountain and see a man walking on water toward them! The waves are lapping at his feet and he continues straight at them. The bible says they were terrified! They believed he was a ghost. They cried out in fear. I'm sure they felt confused and greatly afraid. This was not normal or expected. When Jesus saw they were afraid he didn't wait until he got to their boat to reassure them. The bible says immediately he told them to have courage, he identified himself and told them to not be afraid. Peter, one of the more outspoken disciples to say the least, told Jesus if it really was him to tell him to come out on the water. Jesus told him to come. Now this is an interesting part. Peter gets out of the boat and starts walking on the water toward Jesus. He is actually walking on the water! Then out of no where he looks down at the waves and doubts. These same waves that rocked their boat all night. Peter starts to sink and cried out, "Lord, Save me!" Again, Jesus didn't wait until Peter went completely underwater. The bible says he immediately reached out his hand and saved him. How does all this bring me comfort? The waves in my life right now are waves of insecurity, loneliness, anger, heartbreak, distrust and hurt to name a few. There were times they carried me away from Jesus and I let them lull me to sleep so I was unaware of how far I had gotten. When I started to awake I was afraid and terrified and confused. Afraid I had let God, my friends and family down. Terrified I would not be able to climb out of the boat and place my trust completely in Christ. Confused as to what I needed to do with my life now. Immediately when Jesus saw I was afraid He reassured me and told me to take courage. Christ is standing on the waters of uncertainty and is holding out His hand. The boat is still rocking and I'm oh so afraid. But my eyes are locked on His now. First step, seek Him. My marriage died. But my Christ lives and He has great plans for me still.

Getting Started

A good portion of my time I spend asking myself "what am I suppose to be doing?" This seems to be one of those times! I'm new to this blogging business and am trying to figure out exactly what it's all about! The idea that people might actully want to read my thoughts is amusing to me. I don't even understand my own thoughts sometimes! With that being said, welcome to the workings of my mind. I hope anyone who is interested enough to follow me on here will be able to relate to my many life situations I will be sharing. Whew!! Ok, my mind is starting to get a bit taxed now! Let's take this slow for my first blogging experience... I don't want to scare anyone...or myself for that matter! =}